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Mitch Hedberg Famous Quotes

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg
 
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg
 
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
 
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
Mitch Hedberg
 
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
Mitch Hedberg
 
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg
 
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Mitch Hedberg
 
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
 
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
 
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
Mitch Hedberg
 
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
 
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
 
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg
 
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
 
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
Mitch Hedberg
 
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
 
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
 
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
 
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!
Mitch Hedberg
 
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
Mitch Hedberg
 
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
Mitch Hedberg
 
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
Mitch Hedberg
 
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
 
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
Mitch Hedberg
 
My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'
Mitch Hedberg
 
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg
 
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?
Mitch Hedberg