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Humor Quotes

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”
― Albert Einstein : humor
 
“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”
― Mae West  : humor
 
“So many books, so little time.”
― Frank Zappa  : humor

“Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.”
― Narcotics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous : humor
 
“Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.”
― Mark Twain : humor
 
“Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.”
― Groucho Marx, The Essential Groucho: Writings For By And About Groucho Marx : humor
 
“The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.”
― Jane Austen : humor
 
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
― Steve Martin : humor

 
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
― Douglas Adams, The Salmon of Doubt : humor
 
“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
― Garrison Keillor : humor
 
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
― Jim Henson : humor
 
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
― Robert A. Heinlein : humor

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.”
― NOT A BOOK : humor
 
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz : humor
 
“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.”
― Woody Allen : humor
 
“Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.”
― Charles J. Sykes : humor

 
“I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.”
― Charles M. Schulz : humor
 
“The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.”
― Albert Einstein : humor
 
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.”
― Terry Pratchett, Diggers : humor
 
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
― Groucho Marx : humor
 
“The story so far:
In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.”
― Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe : humor
 
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ”
― W.C. Fields : humor
 
“Remember, we're madly in love, so it's all right to kiss me anytime you feel like it.”
― Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games : humor

 
“Reality continues to ruin my life.”
― Bill Watterson, The Complete Calvin and Hobbes : humor
 
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.”
― Mark Twain : humor
 
“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from a mental illness. Look at your 3 best friends. If they're ok, then it's you.”
― Rita Mae Brown : humor
 
“The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.”
― George Carlin : humor
 
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.”
― Mark Twain : humor
 
“Ever notice how 'What the hell' is always the right answer?”
― Marilyn Monroe : humor
 
“Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources”
― Albert Einstein : humor